Before Saturday night, the closest I’d ever come to seeing half naked women dance on stage was in the seventh grade when my French teacher put on a video about Moulin Rouge in Paris.
That changed this weekend, when my boyfriend told me he’d come up with an idea for Valentine’s Day that involved being scantily clad but wasn’t what I thought it was.
It definitely wasn’t. It wasn’t a massage; it wasn’t sneaking into a heated pool somewhere. It was watching a burlesque show. Big Mamma D’s House of Burlesque, to be exact.
Big Mamma D’s House of Burlesque is the Southeast’s longest running show and has a handful of awards under its belt and I understand now why it’s gotten so many.
I was nervous to go because I didn’t know what to expect. It was an absolute riot. Everything I never expected and everything that I did. This is, down to the minute, how it went for me.
3:00 p.m. We should probably just stick to what we know and what we know is a brewery.
4:00 p.m. How do I tell Boyfriend that I actually want to go to the burlesque show without being weird?
4:05 p.m. That was easy.
6:00 p.m. What does one wear to a burlesque show? This sweater and jeans combo should be fine. Casual yet refined and also the 19th outfit I’ve tried on. Done.
8:00 p.m. Okay. Off we go.
8:20 p.m. Oh, Neighborhood Theatre ISN’T The Visulite Theatre? Oh, I’m in the completely wrong neighborhood?
8:45 p.m. Made it. Boom. Tackled parking, gotta tackle that surprisingly long line.
8:46 p.m. I guess they forgot to CC me on the dress, heels and/or corset memo.
8:50 p.m. It’s PACKED. There’s an impressive number of women here. And couples. What is my family going to think when they find out how I actually spent my Saturday night? I need a drink. Helllloooo, bartender.
8:57 p.m. I said hello. Why are you ignoring me? What’s the secret to getting a bartender’s attention? I should actually include my email address so people can clue me if they have an answer. (It’s firstname.lastname@example.org)
9:00 p.m. Success! I’d like to thank the Academy.
9:06 p.m. Boyfriend is walking me through how it works and what to expect. I am both impressed and very anxious. Does coming to this make me a Cool Girlfriend?
9:08 p.m. Who knew the burlesque scene was so big here?
9:13 p.m. HAHA, Boyfriend’s old boss is here! Awkward! I love it! …I hope no one I know is here. Or, oh god, dancing.
9:18 p.m. Neil Diamond and a lot of singing by the crowd. Show time!
9:19 p.m. So many f-bombs! So many d-bombs! So many bombs! A minute in and I’m blushing. I’m done for. I wonder how much I can write about tonight?
9:22 p.m. A singing, ukelele-playing kitten?
9:22 p.m. Nope. Not a kitten. Not a kitten at all. And something tells me that Dr. Longjohn is not actually her dentist and that she doesn’t actually have a cavity.
9:24 p.m. Definitely can’t write about this string of jokes. Or maybe I can. We’ll see how much gets cut.
9:31 p.m. Big Mamma D! Girl! So much attitude! So fresh! So sassy! I’m obsessed! You absolutely deserve to have a burlesque show named after you.
9:46 p.m. Hey, Miss Red Wine is a first timer! Same here! I’m nervous, too. Only I’m not on stage and the WiFi didn’t shut down right before I started. Poor girl.
9:50 p.m. She is definitely not nervous. She’s owning this weirdly sexy version of No Diggity. I wonder what Boyfriend thinks. Don’t look at him, don’t look at him, don’t look at him, you don’t want to know.
9:51 p.m. Why did I look?
9:53 p.m. I wonder if my body moves like that.
9:54 p.m. It definitely doesn’t.
9:55 p.m. She killed it. The closest I’ve ever – and will ever – come to this is that semi-regrettable lip sync sophomore year of college. I wonder if that video still exists.
10:04 p.m. How do they dance like this with a straight face? I’d be laughing so hard I’d cry.
10:06 p.m. So. Many. Feathers.
10:10 p.m. Oh, the bra is off. Don’t look at your boyfriend. Don’t look at him. Don’t look at him.
10:11 p.m. This feels a lot like watching a sex scene with your parents.
10:15 p.m. Just learned that Veronica Broadchest grabbed Boyfriend’s butt as she walked by. SHE GRABBED HIS BUTT. ?!?!
10:18 p.m. Is the floor cold when you roll around on it like that?
10:20 p.m. What’s a Southern Exposure Princess?
10:20 p.m. Oh.
10:21 p.m. I’m excited to see Deadpool tomorrow. I wonder how this will fly with Ted. I think he’ll die.
10:30 p.m. She can take off her stockings while hula hooping. Casual.
10:33 p.m. This is an unexpectedly cool date night.
10:34 p.m. She took her bra off but never stopped hula hooping. How does that happen?
10:40 p.m. That was a half-naked cartwheel. And that was a half-naked cartwheel wipe out. Ouch.
10:42 p.m. Her dress looks a lot like what I used to play dress-up in.
10:43 p.m. Except that is NOT what I wore underneath.
10:45 p.m. Her name was Ophelia Poptart. So many childhood memories and literary characters tarnished with one song.
10:52 p.m. Big Mamma D is back. YES. She is my Beyoncé and Charlotte’s Adele.
10:58 p.m. Glad I switched to red wine. I need more.
11:08 p.m. Why do I keep looking back at Boyfriend, especially when the dresses come off? Stop doing that!
11:12 p.m. Veronica Broadchest is dancing to the Titanic song. Because of the flotation device joke. I get it. She’s even wearing the necklace!
11:24 p.m. Rose petals, a chair and melted chocolate were just brought on stage. Oh god.
11:24 p.m. I got Boyfriend chocolate for Valentine’s Day. Except it’s in a box and I’ll eat 90% of it.
11:26 p.m. Did she just lick her own calf?
11:35 p.m. There’s a woman in the corner showing off pictures of her baby in the bathtub. It feels a lot like this is not the right time or place for that.
11:54 p.m. They just brought out a daybed. And it’s for Big Mamma D. And she’s singing a Michael Buble song. And she’s dancing for her husband.
11:59 p.m. This is a date night I will recommend to anyone.
12:06 a.m. That was fun. And exhausting. I also don’t care if someone cares that I spent my Saturday night here with a date.