Just 30 minutes outside of Uptown, there’s a majestic and magical peak called Crowders Mountain.
When the weather is nice, its trails become a diverse, coursing bloodstream of Charlotteans longing to become one with nature, on a mission to better themselves mentally and physically and, most importantly, searching desperately for the most epic selfie spot for their Instagram. #startedfromthebottom
If you’ve ever climbed its peak, you’ve probably felt the completely unwarranted self-righteousness that comes with it. I mean, those stairs alone are basically like summiting Everest, right?
Here are the 10 different people you inevitably encountered along the way.
View from the top of Crowder’s Mountain
(1) The person wearing jeans
I don’t know about you but DENIM isn’t my go-to fabric choice for outdoor activities.
I have so many questions.
Are you trying to make a statement that you don’t take hiking too serious?
Are you simply unaware of breathable activewear options?
Does that not cause terrible chaffing?
I’m not sure I’ll ever have the answers but I am sure that the next time I’m at Crowders someone will have jeans on.
(2) The way too serious dude who looks like he’s obsessed with CrossFit
This person is the polar opposite of the jeans wearer. He’s got a Camelback on, a cut-off tee, and probably a bandana tied around his head. He makes a few animal-like grunting noises as he passes you on the path.
He definitely did some pre-workout before he took to the trail and he definitely has power gel in his bag. You go, Glen Coco.
(3) The mom rocking the Baby Bjorn
This lady is literal Wonder Woman. She’s straight up crushing this hike with a 20-pound baby strapped to her chest.
She’s chatting it up with a friend, not even breaking a sweat in her Lululemon leggings.
She looks better than you and you haven’t even had a baby.
You give her a sheepish smile as she scoots past, breaking her conversation about Blakely’s birthday party fiasco to say “excuse me” and judge you briefly for being so audibly winded.
(4) The 20-something who is on a mission to craft the perfect Instagram story
This is the person who stops approximately 132 times to thoroughly document their Crowders journey on Instagram and, most importantly, remind their followers that they are #outdoorsyAF.
When they reach the summit, they make damn sure to get their friend to take a photo of them from behind while they stare out at the view and throw up a v casual peace sign. #mood #views.
(5) The person who is apparently allergic to headphones and blasts music from the speaker on their phone
To be clear, this person cares ZERO PERCENT about your hiking experience and their main mission is to drown out babbling brooks and birds singing with terrible EDM. Ah, yes. The sound of the great outdoors.
They throw you a head nod and a “Sup” as they pass you by. You secretly hope they trip and their phone breaks. This might also be the person wearing jeans.
(6) The little kid who sprints past you on a steep incline wearing a pair of flip flops
You are tired. You are breathing heavily. You are thinking that this could be the end for you. And out of nowhere a 4-year-old runs past you with the energy of a thousand cheetahs, belting out the words to “Baby Shark”. He’s wearing some sort of wildly inappropriate hiking footwear because his parents obviously didn’t have the energy to argue with him about it.
You stop to take a breather and see the kid’s dad huffing and puffing behind him. The dad shoots you look that only translates as “I very much regret the decision to go on this hike.”
(7) The bro hiking solo with his rescue dog
Don’t get it twisted, this guy came alone for a reason.
He knows nothing attracts women more than an outdoorsy guy wandering in the woods with his lovably scruffy rescue dog, a shepard mix named Knox.
When his dog sniffs you in passing he says “You can pet him. He loves people.” Ok, if you insist.
(8) The super weird dudes at the top of the mountain flying drones
These guys look like they spend most of their time indoors playing Fortnite and eating Totino’s Pizza Rolls but today they’ve decided to ruin your mountaintop moment with the annoying buzzing of a drone.
You gaze off at the view and try to pretend like the drone is an eagle or something, but then you hear one of them say, “That’s gunna be some sick footage bro.”
You take a bite of a granola bar and muster the strength to head back down the mountain.
(9) The girl in trendy athleisure hiking with her French Bulldog
She’s wearing patterned leggings with a matching top and color-coordinated sneakers. Even her Apple Watch band matches.
She’s got at least two friends with her, who she’s debriefing about last night’s Bumble date.
Her Frenchie, who you can only assume is named LuLu, is breathing heavily and thinking to herself that this was not the “Sunday Funday” she had in mind.
(10) The retired 75-year-old woman and her husband living their best lives
They’ve got trekking poles, sun hats and probably enough sunscreen in their packs to last a year at the beach.
They are cheery and smiling and they stop every once in awhile to look through their binoculars to catch a glimpse of a nearby bird.
They made a picnic lunch to enjoy at the top and they are the cutest people you’ve ever seen.
