The year after college my Cherokee was no good.
It was time to buy an adult car, this I understood.
To the Honda dealer I went with three grand in cash,
And bought you, a used ‘98 Accord, colored in silvery flash.
You were two years old and had 42,000 miles,
I drove you with rolled down windows, nothing but smiles.
25,000 miles you drove in that first year,
Smooth sailing all the way from first to fourth gear.
You endured work trips from Charlotte to Chapel Hill,
Eating millions of mosquitoes in your bright shiny grill.
Your trunk always packed with various sporting equip,
Engine never failed, not on a single round trip.
Sure you had breakdowns, all cars do,
Starter and batteries and timing belts blew.
You nearly killed me one time on I-85,
A brake shoe popped loose on a return Sunday drive.
Southend thieves broke into you more times than I can count,
Stolen radios and batteries sure drained the bank account.
In your back seat I made out with my wife on some dates,
Mostly before marriage and I forget in which states.
You brought each child home after their birth,
And safely shuttled them all over this Earth.
Like any aging thing, you started to sag,
Your roof lining became a low hanging bag.
Your body once sheen got scratches and rust,
Knobs broke off and A/C kinda bust.
I swore I’d drive you til your trusty engine quit,
But you lasted too long and it’s time for a split.
173,000 miles in 17 years,
Now it’s time to change the gears.
Away to the dealership I flew with a flash,
Reminded that buying a car feels like a skin rash.
Got a choice on the trim and the powertrain?
Who cares? It won’t be as old as Mark Twain.
SUVs, minivans, sedans … too many makes,
Car salesmen and managers. So many headaches.
Screw it. This is terrible. I’m keeping my car.
Buying a new one is like being burned with a cigar.
Who needs a new auto, mine is just fine.
Though the old seat is causing a pain in my spine.
Told my wife one last call to the dealer I would make,
Before committing to drive my Accord til my wake.
What? Jersey sales bro is willing to meet my price?
Not the color I want but that won’t make me think twice.
Here’s my card, hold the car, I’ll be there tomorrow.
Need at least a day to rob, beg and borrow.
Bought two cars in my life and always wanted a Jeep
It’s impractical with kids but I don’t give a <bleep>
“Kids in a Jeep? Why not just feed them to a dragon?”
You’ll curse as we fly by you in your Volvo wagon.
Sun’s out guns out! Put down the top!
Slam down the clutch! Uh oh, just passed a cop.
I should have done this earlier. New car = bliss.
Bonus – it doesn’t smell like vomit and piss.
A brand new car! Man, feels like I won an award.
Anyone wanna buy a gently used Accord?
The first time my uncle saw my car he asked, “Didn’t they have any American ones?”
This door handle is broken because Kid #1 flipped it 1.3 million times while it was locked.
Seriously, this crappy car is parked in the road outside my house and I don’t think my neighbors care to look at it anymore.
It’s only a matter of time before I get a letter from the HOA. $1,500 cash. Kid #2 needs a new pair of shoes, and probably a better car seat given the backseat crash rating of a Jeep Wrangler. Judge me for buying a Wrangler with two single-digit age kids? Judge my wife. She’s the one who said yes.