Every city has its fair-share of annoying people, but we all know that Charlotte has its very own special brand of obnoxious humans.
Here are the 15 most annoying types of Charlotteans, ranked.
#15 The Lunch Rush Bulk-orderer
There’s nothing worse than hearing the person in front of you at Yafo say “I’m actually getting 10 bowls.” Not only does it take 20 minutes for the poor employee to wrap all the laffah, but navigating the toppings becomes a straight-up Wonderlic test, all to make sure Shannon in accounting gets the perfect amount of cabbage. Hot tip: Don’t be a d***, ORDER ONLINE.
#14 The Overzealous Networker
As long as an event includes industry professionals, small talk and stale breakfast pastries, the Overzealous Networker will be there. She hands out business cards like Ho Ho Cherry House menus and loves to send back-to-back LinkedIn messages asking when you’d be available for a call. Never. The answer is never.
#13 The Brewery Fashionista
The Brewery Fashionista wouldn’t be caught dead on Sycamore’s patio without her $695 embellished jacket, leather leggings (sorry PETA) and wedge boots all made complete with a large floppy hat and sunglasses so she can remain sexy and mysterious. It took her three and a half hours to perfect this look just to drink half a beer, complain that it’s too hot and go home.
#12 The Idiot on 7th Street
“Why is there a big red X above the lane I’m driving in? Oh well, I’m sure it’s fine,” says the Idiot on 7th Street who will narrowly avoid a head-on collision with a school bus and then do the same thing again tomorrow.
#11 The Cocky Creative
The Cocky Creative knew about NoDa eight years before anyone thought to open an over-priced popsicle shop there. They also love to mention that they just got tickets to an obscure show at the Fillmore while blowing Juul smoke directly into your face.
#10 The Commercial Real Estate Guy
Nobody knows what he actually does, but his new BMW, golf chatter and “starter home” in Dilworth make me think that I should have gotten into the commercial real estate game instead of spending all my money on Acai bowls.
#9 The Do-Gooder
Oh, you spent your Saturday feeding rescue kittens, donating your entire closet, picking up litter on the Greenway and live-tweeting the entire experience? That’s great. I slept until noon and just ordered Sabor from Postmates because I needed nachos but also hate putting on pants. (They constrict blood flow.)
#8 The Overly-Intense Crossfitter
The Overly-Intense Crossfitter won’t be making it to happy hour tonight, he’s working on his core. Plus, he would never pass-up the opportunity to push a tractor tire on a public sidewalk during rush-hour so half of Charlotte can see how strong he is. He loves to talk about how he hasn’t eaten anything but boiled chicken for three years and he will continue to insist that even though he does nothing other than work out, he’s not in a cult. Seriously, it’s not a cult.
#7 The Wannabe Influencer
Hopefully the Wannabe Influencer’s 82 followers like photos of people posing in front of mirrors and the occasional standing-in-front-of-a-South-End-mural shot because that’s all they’re going to get.
#6 The Charlotte Hater
“It’s so much better in [enter any other city name here.]” The Charlotte Hater despises every restaurant, every sporting event, every brewery. They can be found making no attempt to have fun at establishments such as Wooden Robot, Workman’s Friend and even Ri Ra’s. Quick question for the Charlotte Hater: If you hate Charlotte so much, why don’t you do us all a favor and leave?
#5 The Eternal Frat Boy
We all know this guy. He’s the UNC frat boy who is now a 32-year-old frat man. You can’t find him without his backwards Titleist hat, Patagonia fleece, grey New Balance sneakers and a fist full of Bud Light bottles. He frequents Montford just to buy Fireball shots for 22-year-old girls who make him feel young again and usually ends up at Carmella’s sharing a pizza with no one other than his giant ego.
#4 The Parent’s Payroll Millennial
$15 Haberdish cocktails on a $45,000 salary? “I’ll take another,” says the Parent’s Payroll Millennial who has no school debt, car payment, cell phone payment or insurance payment because their parent’s pick up the tab. They just don’t understand why their non-savvy financial friends can’t budget as well as they do.
#3 The Aggressive Driver
We’re all sitting in stopped traffic on 77 but Mr. Aggressive Driver believes that he is such a superior motorist than everyone else on the road that he, and only he, can beat this traffic. He will weave his souped-up Mazda 3 between lanes like he’s Richard Petty and don’t even try to leave more than three inches between you and the car in front of you because he will cut you off because he HAS SOMEWHERE TO BE.
#2 The Beer Snob
Have you ever tried to explain to the Beer Snob that it’s possible to enjoy a NoDa Hop Drop and Roll and a Bud Light depending on the setting? If you have, you were probably told that Bud Light tastes like water. Well, I think the Beer Snob is wrong because I’ve had water and I can’t get drunk off water.
#1 The Charlotte Know-It-All
The Charlotte Know-It-All is always the first one to correct your local news summary or give you a half hour debrief on the “hip” restaurant opening that you didn’t ask about. Oh, and she can’t BELIEVE that you haven’t heard about the new brewery opening up next door since the news broke over 49 seconds ago.